Author’s Note: The link in the story is probably NSFW in most places.
The black awning with the sea monster, the thigh-high-boot clad dominatrix and the turntable was unmissable, even if Fosterburg had been twice as large.
Flay Me to the Moon Fetish Gear and Used Records.
Madeline Koschler stepped on to the step in front of the door, trying to ignore the chainmail clad mannequins.
In a strange black font the numbers 639 were painted on the step.
Madeline tripped and fell face first into the glass door, smearing drool onto a flyer for The Genitorturers.
A shirtless employee rocking a metallic thong and dragon boots rushed to the front of the store and helped Madeline up.
“Are you okay, Councilperson?”
Madeline looked up, embarrassment and annoyance slightly diminishing
“Councilwoman,” she corrected the man, though if she was honest with herself she was both flattered and puzzled that this guy knew she was a member of the city council.
“I’m Book,Councilwoman” the employee said. Can I get you anything?”
Madeline looked first at the employee’s six pack abs, then up at his nipple piercings. From the left one hung a small card that read “Ask Me About our Buttplugs”
Madeline gasped.
“Come on Councilperson…womanperson…come in and get comfy. We have plenty of places for you to lie down and…”
“And get bodily fluids on my dress? Heavens no. I’m here to make sure you are in compliance with Fosterburg business guidelines and to ask, from the bottom of my godloving heart, a favor.”
“With respect, Councilwoman, the head of code enforcement just left. He gave us a perfect rating with the exception of one rubber snake that dangled in front of the emergency exit.”
“I don’t trust the head of code enforcement,” Madeline said.”He could be falling prey to your perverted activities. What did you say your name was?”
‘Book,” Book said.
“Short for Book of the Devil?”
“No ma’am. Booker T. Washington.”
Madeline Koschler folded her arms.
“I’m sorry,” she said, “I don’t follow sports.”
Book let his nostrils flare, wiggled his toes and summoned what he thought was a damn good faux-genuine smile.
“Would you like a tea or something, Councilpers–Councilwoman?”
“How did you know I was a Councilperson-woman” she asked, flustered.
“Council streams all its sessions, as you know. I watch them.”
Madeline rocked on her heels.
“Well, then you know this is a town built on Christian values and–”
“Councilwoman, with all respect, this is a town built by a laundry detergent factory and a little bit of waterfront tourism. Would you like a tour of the shop so that you are comfortable we’re not violating any applicable codes?”
“You are violating codes of good taste on the outside of this building. Care to tell me what 639 stands for? Is that “prostitute of the beast?”
“No Councilmemberpersonwoman, that’s our address.”
Madeline folded her face into a jiggling scowl, sucking on her top teeth so hard that a fennel seed from her oldest daughter’s wedding rehearsal dinner six years prior dislodged.
“Well, be that as it may, there is no reason to have that F word on the front of the building.”
“Open from Noon to Midnight?”
“Don’t get smart with me young man. If I see so much as one cockroach in here I’ll have the place padlocked.”
Book exhaled. It was going to be a laugh, but he wouldn’t let it be.
“Councilgoddess, we sell bullwhips, not burgers.”
“Fetish, Gosh darn it! Fetish! I hate that word. It’s disgusting. I’ve made you a list of terms I think are far more appropriate for our churchgoing town.”
Madeline unsnapped her pale pink plastic clutch and pulled out some neatly folded Fosterburg City Council letterhead.
Book politely unfolded the paper and read Madeline’s suggestions.
“Marital Aids?”
“Marriage Commitment Enhancers? Theeese are darling, councilwoman. Truly, truly special.”
“Whether or not it’s entirely accurate,” Madeline said, “it presents more appropriately to our quiet little community.”
Book smiled, silently thinking It might be quiet, but it sure isn’t chaste.
“I will take into consideration altering our signage, No promises other than some soul searching consideration, Councilperson…woman…
Book looked at the letterhead “Koschler.”
Book looked up at Madeline, who seemed to be more interested in his nipple piercings than she might admit.
“The charming code enforcement officer shares your name.”
“Because he’s my husband.”
Book smiled broadly, even warmly, and leaned toward Madeline.
“That’s so cozy,” Book said. “Nepotism.”
Madeline huffed and started to say something before Book leaned closer.
“Nepotism,” he repeated softly in Madeline’s ear. “It could almost be a fetish.”
***
Not sure what to comment on this one.
Definitely different.
Half expected her to suggest renaming to "Jimmy's House of Doom".
Is “Genitorturers” supposed to be a combination of the words “genital” and “torturers”? If so, that’s an amazing name for a band!