Garter

Snakes and Rocks: Consecutive Substack Story 1221

Photo by alireza naseri on Unsplash

Thamnophis Butleri’s conservation status is LC ( Least Concern), unless you’re Turtle Thatcher, whose job it is to protect as much of the wildlife in Hattam Park as possible.

Turtle was the only person in the tri-county area to object when they proposed opening the lower isthmus of Hattam Park to off-roading.

Of course, Valiant Powersports, the off-road giant, had donated a band shell in the northern reaches of the park, and paid for teen pop sensation Tia Raff to headline the grand opening.

Turtle was never gonna win his argument. He argued nonetheless, because off road vehicles were going to, and were now in reality, destroying the habitat of Thamnophis Butleri, better known to you as a garter snake.

Little kids in the park call them gardener snakes, but they are garter snakes, named after the little elastic hose holder that brides throw into crowds of bachelors at weddings.

Turtle Thatcher had just gotten done rehoming some juvenile snakes to a swath of the park not overrun by four wheeled mayhem, when he saw a couple wander off the Gerald Ford Trail and down toward Lilliput Falls.

Turtle had stumbled upon a half dozen couples in various stages of lovemaking in his thirteen years as a conservation officer. Some of them never noticed his presence, some were mortified, and one invited him to join.

This particular couple didn’t seem like they were headed into the woods near Lilliput Falls for pleasures of the flesh.

The guy looked determined but nervous, the woman confused.

Turtle didn’t have the sense that foul play was about to take place, but he had not much better to do than keep an eye on the couple.

There was a sign warning people not to enter the Kowattchee River at the base of the less than two foot high Lilliput Falls, and Turtle could ask them to leave on that basis if he needed to.

Turtle was no voyeur and wasn’t intent on sticking around if his instincts were wrong, but he followed.

The woman said “I really wanted to see the movie, Bradley, because JoJo saw it last night and will text me every fucking deet when—“

The man wheeled and reached in his hoodie.

Turtle palmed his walkie talkie though he had had so few problems in thirteen years he completely blanked on the state police channel.

The man dropped to one knee.

The black object in his hand was a jewelry box.

“Sarah, will you make me—-“

Sarah cupped her hands over her face.

Her head shook side to side, the way most people silently say no.

“—-the most incredibly, bountifully fortunate dude on—

“Holy shit, Bradley, that’s humongous. It’s… Bradley Oh my flatulent Gaaaaawwwwd Bradley, that can’t be real.”

Turtle watched as Bradley’s face widened into a thrilled, ecstatic smile.

“ It’s real, Sarah. As real as my love for—“

Sarah put her hands on her hips.

“You cannot afford that, Bradley. No… no way. Either you’re lying that it’s real or you’ve been hiding a bank account.”

“ I borrowed the money from Stewart.”

“From Stewart???? Are you… from Stewart???? You borrowed money from my ex husband to—“

Sarah backhanded the jewelry box.

Turtle watched as the box flew fifteen feet and what could only be the ring flew separately into the water at the base of Lilliput Falls.

Bradley gasped and galloped toward the water.

Turtle yelled “That water is off limits, sir, I’m afraid I’m going to—“

Bradley looked back at Turtle.

Sarah looked, shocked that they had an audience.

“Dude, I’m getting a ring.”

Turtle cleared his throat.

“Stop, that area is the habitat for the pollywogs of Blanchard’s Cricket Frogs. You could destroy an endangered colony.”

“Broseph, there is a 30, 000 dollar ring in that water, “ Bradley said, and marched in up to his knees.

“How the fuck were you planning on paying Stewart back 30 grand, Bradley?”

Bradley was on his hands and knees, searching the water.

Turtle knew that one footprint, one knee, could bury the ring in the silt forever.

“I really wouldn’t do that if I was you, “ Turtle said.

“No one with a brain in their head would borrow 30 grand from my ex husband” Sarah said.

Bradley started throwing fistfuls of mud and muck up on to the shore.

“I’m gonna have to ask you to cease right now,” Turtle said. “That’s an extremely fragile endangered wildlife habitat.”

“You’re gonna be endangered dude, if you don’t shut up. Besides, if I can’t find this ring we’re gonna have to drain this swamp.”

“ I’ve heard that before,” Turtle said. “And that guy only made it worse.”

***

I was sitting in a park in the rain writing this one. Stoney Creek, about 20 miles northeast of Detroit.

Thanks for reading my stories. Upwards of 1700 now. A number I never thought possible. If you enjoy them any sort of gift, tip, thank you thrown my way at buymeacoffee.com/JimmyDoom would be much appreciated.