No Picnics
Coming in Hot: Consecutive Substack Story 1222
Kelli was already pissed at Adrienne over her using a hair dryer at work, and Nick lost a chunk of house downpayment money learning to play Baccarat at Soaring Eagle and those two unrelated arguments and anxieties spilled into whether they were gonna eat inside or outside.
Kelli’s vote was inside. Not only was it not quite warm enough yet, it was the driest spring she could remember and all it took was a car to hit the shoulder of VanMoren Road by an inch and the whole back yard of the trailer was a dustbowl.
Nick went into the shed, dug up four camping tarps and strung them along the clothesline.
Kelli shrugged, bit her lip, threw on a hoodie from the dog bed that Woofer had probably been farting on all morning, and pulled the frozen pizza from the oven.
“Outside it is,Corporal,” Kelli called, taking a little rip at Nick being proud that he had left the army as a Sergeant.
Nick, always happy to get his way, let the chirp slide, walked out and sat in his camp chair.
Kelli sliced a tomato to throw on her half of the pizza, threw it on and brought the pizza out.
“I’m sorry we fought, That-One-Chick-From-Shameless,” Nick said.
Kelli hated the nickname but thought it came out of Nick’s mouth kinda funny, and all her girlfriends thought she should be very grateful to be compared to Emmy Rossum.
“I don’t wanna fight no more Nick,I’m serious. I been reading this book about healthy relat–”
Kelli heard a weird noise and saw a slice of pizza dance and shimmer.
“Did a bird just shit on the pizza?” Nick said.
Kelli blinked and looked again.
It was a pepperoni and cheese Mr. Gombos frozen with fresh sliced tomatoes. Just added, a purple mulberry birdshit the size of a quarter on a slice without a fresh tomato. One of Nick’s slices.
“Why the fuck did you wanna eat outside, Kelli?”
Kelli felt her chest tighten.
He had to be joking.
“You wouldn’t have bothered putting the tarps up to block the dust if I had wanted to eat outside.”
“That’s not true, goddamnit, I–”
“Is this another argument, Nick?”
“I sure as fuck hope not. We got frozen burritos, right? We can eat frozen burritos.”
“The bird only shit on one slice.We can eat the rest of the pizza.”
“You’re only saying that because he shit on my slice.”
Kelli started counting backwards from 92 by threes like her grandma taught her to do before she screamed.
Somewhere in the 60’s she peeled a slice of tomato off the pizza and handed the tomato free slice to Nick.
“Now we’re even,Corporal.”
“I’m still hot around the balls that a damn bird wasted a piece of pizza.”
“Give the slice to Woofer. Woofer’s eaten way worse things than bird shit.”
“Like what?”
Kelli tilted her head.
“Are you starting another argument, Nick?”
“I sure hope not.”
“Me too.”
Kelli bit into a slice as a double trailer gravel hauler rumbled over the shoulder of VanMoren.
A surfable wave of dust cascaded over Nick’s tarp barrier.
Nick leaned forward and shielded the pizza and Kelli from the barrage of dust and tiny bits of gravel.
He planted a kiss on Kelli’s forehead in the process.
Seemed like it took longer for the cloud to settle than it did to cook the pizza, but finally the air cleared.
“Thanks for saving the pizza, Sergeant.”
“You’re welcome, Woman-That’s-Hotter-Than-That-One-Chick-From-Shameless.”
Kelli pulled a pizza crust from her mouth.
“You are such a liar, Nicholas.”
Nick wiped dust from his hair.
“You trying to start another argument?”
Kelli smiled. “Nope.”
“Good.”
Kelli grabbed another slice and said “You wanna hear what that book about healthy relationships said?”
Nick picked a piece of once frozen pepperoni from his teeth and said “Nope.”
***
***
If a full subscription isn’t your thing, you can always keep me going with a few bucks at buymeacoffee.com/JimmyDoom
True life.
I had completely forgotten Emmy Rossum. Loved her in Phantom.
Are you deliberately delighting me or what, J??