The door was unlocked, not cool, unless Charlie had come home from school sick, which would not be cool either,
Travis dropped both bags of groceries from Farmer Jacks on the table and the VCR started.
That’s how it worked. Anything heavy dropped in the tiny apartment started the VCR.
Travis would have to remind Charlie of that, though he wasn’t sure Charlie knew what a VCR was.
The VCR whirred and Travis saw an image of a woman with her legs spread, pregnant.
He stepped toward the VCR, stepped on the molding between the main room and the small kitchen and the VCR paused.
Travis would have to remind Charlie that if you stepped on the molding, the VCR stopped. It was just one of those weird things. The VCR was Travis’s first ever large purchase, straight out of college and he refused to part with it. It had quirks.
Today was his very first day with physical custody of a fifteen year old son he didn’t know he had until two weeks ago and the kid had already shown a brazen proclivity for pregnancy porn.
And the kid should be in school.
Travis didn’t really know Charlie’s mom. They had a really stoned one nighter at a Laverne & Shirley Fan Club convention in Fairfax, Virginia and went their separate ways.
Travis submitted DNA to Stiletto Helix dot com because his sister Molly said they were at genetic risk for rickets and Travis wanted to learn more.
Charlie and his mom Peggy found him through the site. While he was intrigued by the idea of having a son, he couldn’t have imagined he would wind up with custody so soon as Peggy went off to Austria for an immersive Klingon Language Retreat.
“Charlie!” Travis yelled, pulling Sno Balls and Ted Segers Brew from the grocery bags.
No answer.
Did someone break in and put a pregnancy porn tape in his VCR?
Weirder stuff had happened in Travis’s life, like the time he only ate mustard for two months on a dare ( Travis wants you to know that mustard only diet hallucinations are even more vivid than shrooms ).
Travis opened the door to the closet he converted to Charlie’s room.
He hoped his son wasn’t skipping school to pleasure himself to pregnancy (or any other) porn, though it was only the skipping school part that would really bother him.
The bed was empty. Strangely, it was also made. Travis still wasn’t sure how that worked.
He shut the door to Charlie’s room and turned.
He wanted to make Shish Beef and Fig Newton Kebabs before Charlie got home.
Charlie walked through the front door.
“Hi, Travis Dad, this little mini apartment and the antique video tape player eat hard. “
“Ummm, Charlie, I’m no disciplinarian, but you’re supposed to be in school and not home watching pregnancy porn. And you gotta lock the door. Especially when you’re watching pregnancy porn, which you really, um…probably don’t want to make a habit of.”
A gray thing moved on Charlie’s shoulder.
Travis started to say something witty like “A gray thing moved on your shoulder,”. When Charlie walked over and stomped on the molding. The VCR whirred back to life.
“Not porn, sperm distributor Dad guy dude, it’s a Cesarean section tutorial. I’m home because I got to come home early after my AP Biology Test.”
Now Travis wanted to ask how Charlie learned the molding trick before he asked about the moving gray thing on Charlie’s shirt.
“Know how balls tough it was to find a consumer analog tape of a C-section, Father of the Minute?”
Travis just stared.
“I’m going into Obstetrics and Gynecology Law, when I graduate,” Charlie said. “ Don’t want to wind up like you and Peggy Pixelated. No offense.”
“You have something gray on your shirt, and it’s moving.”
Charlie smiled.
“This place is too small for a traditional pet, so I went out back and got myself an Arion Hortensis.”
“A garden slug? I can get you a better pet than a garden slug.”
“Garden slug is perfect, Travis Trying Too Hard. What were ya gonna get me, a Shetland Pony?”
Travis looked over at the TV. It really was a tutorial on Cesarean sections filmed in the 80’s in Johns Hopkins.
“I can get you a gerbil, or a hamster or something. I’m kinda relieved you don’t skip school and you’re not into pregnancy porn.”
Charlie pulled a Fig Newton from the package and looked at Travis.
“I never said either of those things.”
***
Yuck?
Couldn't think of anything else to describe it
Why am I smh but laughing? Two of our friends who went through med school told us when doing rotations in obgyn they’d fight over who got to examine the younger patients. I was young and was outraged but…
This was funny, I happen to like wise guy kids (what choice do we have anyway) but then I’m not shocked by much, either