The Spank Engine

Punk's Not Dead:Consecutive Substack Story 1194

Donson Louber shoved a pork rind in one nostril and pulled it out the other nostril.

Miguel Fernandez and Will Cadley almost spit out their food laughing.

Donson had done the trick hundreds of times before but this one got him kicked out of the Chesterfield Fire Academy, which he wasn’t doing too well at anyway

Getting kicked out of the Fire Academy also got Donson kicked out of his family’s trailer on Marsh Road, so he crashed on the floor of The Spank Engine, the little punk and metal club Corey Heltz opened in the abandoned haunted house that used to be in Vuller Village Amusement Park.

Technically, it still was in the little amusement park, just the rest of the park was gone.

Donson helped bands load in and passed out fliers and found decent weed for bands from out of town.(It was hard to get good weed in Chesterfield).

Donson was taping a show flier for Marginal Man to a Pepsi vending machine on the side of Caber Truck Plaza when he heard people talking about the chemical tanker that overturned on 64 and Aubeck.

All Donson could think was he hoped the chemicals didn’t drain into Laever Pond, because there were bass in that pond the size of firewood.

It was two days later when he found out the chemical truck was Miguel and Will’s first official run with the fire department.

Will wasn’t wearing his protective gear correctly and the fumes from the spill blinded him.

Donson was sitting behind The Spank Engine hating himself for thinking that maybe now the fire department would give him a second chance when he heard that Laever Pond did get ruined by the same chemicals that blinded Will Cadley.

Donson blubbered.

He was pretty sure it was the hardest he cried since his Dad grounded him and he missed Spiderman and Wonderwoman at the Autorama when he was 11.

He cried while people walked into the club, only a few girls checking on him. He heard one guy say that he probably tried the pork rind trick with the super hot ones they sell at Ertman’s Market.

About a month after that a judge told Mickey Quitter from The Quitters that he had to join the military or face jail time for busting into cigarette machines.

Mickey joined the Marines and the rest of the band held singer auditions on the stage at The Spank Engine.

Donson Louber knew he was gonna audition. He was gonna tell the drummer Jake Jacker that he wanted to go next after some 6’5” skinhead from Knoxboro, when Will Cadley walked through the door.

He had glasses and a cane, but he was wearing his old leather with the Walk Among Us cover on it and an Articles of Faith t-shirt with a real pit rip, not some poseur cut in it.

The woman who walked in with him had to be his mom.

After the big skin was done screeching out of time with a few cover songs, they thanked him for coming, sounding like they meant “don’t even come see us play.”

“Where’s the sign up sheet?” Will said, with a huge smile.

“We’re not a Stevie Wonder tribute band, Cadz,” Jake Jacker spit back. Donson Louber hoped Will knew that Jake was just fucking around.

“Eat my fuck…Pete…or Jake. Whoever said it, Eat my fuck. I wanna try out.”

It had to be Will’s mom next to him, because she winced.

Donson sat and watched as Will’s mom helped him walk the three steps up to The Spank Engine stage.

Pete handed Will a mic, said “good luck,” very skeptical, and Will said “Run through the set list. I know em all.”

Donson watched as Will Cadley ripped through all of The Quitters songs, nailing them, Jake, Pete and Fuzzy all smiles, Will dropping his cane after the second song and gyrating like Tucker Bergen the day he OD’d on meth.

Will’s mom cringed and turned strange colors during the chorus of “I Don’t Care if the Panties are Edible or Not,” but all in all she looked proud of her son.

Scratching his unshowered-in-ten-days balls with his back to Will’s mom, Donson knew before the fourth song that the band was gonna pick Will.

When they got done Pete yelled “Band Meeting!” and helped Will to the wing of the stage behind what used to be the fake electric chair of the haunted house.

“Dude, we want you to be in the band. But like, your mom’s welcome and shit, but it just seems weird that she…”

Will said “I’m in the band?”

Jake nodded, Pete slapped him while saying “fuck yes,” and Will let out a whoop that had to give heart attacks to birds a half mile away.

“Congratulations, Will,” Donson said, sad, but meaning it.

“Wait…whoa…Donson? Is that you?”

“Yup.”

“Dude, do that thing with the pork rinds.”

“Ummm, Will…I don’t have any pork rinds and…um…”

“I’m fucking blind, right? Still man, I loved that. I thought about it in the hospital. My mind can still see, Donson, and I remember that.”

“It is pretty rad,” Jake said.

“Ok, fuckers, how about if Donson walks me onto the stage, does the pork rind thing, introduces us, then hands me the mic? Pretty sure my mom doesn’t wanna be here while we do Edible Panties, and Mayor Trimble Has Anal Warts.”

“What about when we tour, Will?” Jake said. We have 22 summer dates booked.”

“Donson can come with us, right? You got nothing better to do, right?”

“Pretty much.”

It was a great summer. Donson helped Will onto the stage, did the pork rind trick, introduced the band, handed Will the mic, took his cane, and watched the set from the side of the stage.

When they were done, usually ending with a cover of The Angry Samoans Lights Out, Donson walked up on stage and gave Will his cane back.

The Quitters celebrated the end of the tour back at The Spank Engine.

About halfway through the set a half dozen Nazis showed up and slowly inched up front.

Will was engaging the crowd, oblivious to the Skrewdriver shirts and SS pins, until one of the guys unleashed a Sieg Heil and the pit turned into a chaos of fists. Pete, Jake and Fuzzy, in possession of sight, jumped into the crowd to fight.

Hearing a few Sieg heils and catching a full beer can in his chest, Will Cadley turned and yelled for Donson to give him his cane.

Donson complied, and Will turned to the crowd “ Say that shit again, motherfucker.”

One of the Nazis obliged Will, and Will swung his cane in the direction of the voice, flailing, making contact once or twice while Donson picked up guitars and basses so no one would steal or smash them.

Corey and some buddies got the Nazis out of the club. Not without some bloodshed, but it could have been much worse.

They even laughed about it a bit until the next weekend, when the Spit and Hate fanzine printed the story that “Donson, the dopey Quitters emcee/buffoon, let the blind frontman Will fight off Nazis by himself. Total pussy.”

When Jake read it to Will, Will exploded. “Tell that screeching cocksmooch who prints that zine that he’s gonna fight a blind guy if he doesn’t retract it. Nobody thinks that’s true.”

Within a day, most people in the small Chesterfield scene did believe it was true. Donson was afraid of Nazis. Donson is a total pussy.

Donson disappeared.

Three weeks after Donson disappeared, a letter showed up at The Spank Engine from Parris Island, South Carolina.

Donson Louber had joined the Marine Corps, the only way he knew how to prove he wasn’t a total pussy.

Simon Cutler, the kid who published the fanzine, was convinced to do a lengthy interview with Will Cadley, some of which Will screamed three inches from Simon’s face while Fuzzy and Pete made sure he wrote down every word.

Opening for Murphy’s Law that fall, The Quitters started their set with a new one, “Donson Louber Is Not Afraid of Nazis.”

Simon Cutler passed out 75 copies of his fanzine with the Will Cadley interview.

The Quitters put out two albums before breaking up, the second one dedicated to Donson Louber, who was killed in a non-combat helicopter crash in Yuma, Arizona.

Once a year, Will Cadley must go to the State Health and Human Services offices to prove to them that he’s still blind so he can continue to collect his lifetime disability.

He wears his Brooks leather with the Walk Among Us cover hand painted on it and his Articles of Faith t-shirt that is held at the collar with gaff tape.

Every year the state’s medical personnel shine a pen light in Will’s eyes and determine that he is totally blind and every year the doctor remarks that he seems to have something obstructing his left nostril, and every year Will Cadley calmly informs them that he is aware he has something obstructing his left nostril, and that something is a pork rind.

If ya really like this, any appreciation thrown my way Venmo James-Graham-80 is greatly appreciated.