“I am not appearing on a game show.”
The word “not” sounded like a busser dropping a plate in a romantic restaurant.
Seligman smiled into his laptop camera at Ian Butterfield.
“Celebrity Pizza Challenge sent over some great mockups of the promos. The artist captured your vibrance, made you look distinguished, but frankly, much younger. Sharing the file now.”
Seligman clicked a few keys.
Ian shrank back from his screen.
“No game shows. Music or drama series or nothing.”
“Ian, you turned down the antacid jingle, and when you did, you verbally agreed to me to Celeb Pizza. It’s doing fantastic numbers. Sure, it’s high concept and a bit goofy, but the demographics skew way younger than Ian Butterfield generally does and if the kids discover your music through a pizza-making obstacle course, you’re gonna be the happiest guy who ever moved to America from Scunthorpe.”
Ian began mumbling profanities, his voice rising, throwing out various extremely inventive combinations of living creatures and sex positions.
Seligman calmly popped a throat lozenge and sipped a refrigerated coffee drink.
“There’s a production meeting Wednesday. Audra will be at your condo to pick you up at 6 am.”
Butterfield stopped screaming.
“6 am?”
“Yes, 6 am. You’ll be at the studio by seven.”
Butterfield began pairing Seligman with hippos and turkey vultures and electronic devices.
Seligman belched convenience store Frappucino and wished that Ian’s lyrics were as clever as his tirade.
“6 am, Ian, and be nice to Audra, she has shingles.”
Seligman ended the Zoom.
***
Seligman popped an antacid tablet, the competitor of the antacid Ian Butterfield refused to sing a jingle for, gulped a mineral water, and launched the Zoom.
“Theo, Theo, Theo,” Butterfield said, rhythmically and as cheerful as a kids program host.
“Celeb Pizza is an absolute delight. I’d like you to lock in next season, maybe see if you can--”
“They’re terminating you, Ian. Kinda shocked you didn’t hear whispers. America is tiring of the pompous British curmudgeon. Primetime already has the Talentorama guy, the Warbler USA guy, and the Apoplectic Chef. Sorry buddy, I tried to get them to reconsider.”
“Theo, Celebrity Pizza Challenge is a career renaissance for me, a dream, a cornucopia of---”
“Sorry Ian, their decision is final. You’re being replaced with Sick Caleb 29 Glockfire.”
Theo Seligman braced for a barrage of bestiality epithets, but Ian was uncharacteristically silent.
After an uncomfortable moment, Ian Butterfield said “Theo, can you have Audra make me a tattoo appointment? I’d like something rather elegant inked on my face.”
***
Photo by Tiziano Brignoli on Unsplash