Awards, trophies and plaques lined three walls of Cozmer’s office, three shelves per wall.
Andrej had been lucky to grab one with a heavy marble base.
Both marble and wood splintered on Cozmer’s desk.
There was no security in the International Media Services building, never had been, though Dragan, one of the audio mixers looked like
he could enter The World’s Strongest Man competition.
Cozmer couldn’t call anyone anyway.
Andrej had backhand swiped everything from the desk: Coffee, phone, laptop, paperwork.
Cozmer held his hands up and repeated “It’s not my fault, Andrej!”, a half dozen times in English, then he switched to Russian, obviously forgetting, in his terror, that Andrej was Macedonian.
“This is my whole life!!!” Andrej bellowed, taking two steps closer to Cozmer, who kept glancing to his left, seeing if he had just enough room to exit.
“I’m sorry,” Cozmer said back, a semi-shout as he began to remember it was best to talk softly to an enraged person.
Andrej held the trophy like a cudgel, broken marble base looking menacingly sharp.
“Ha! If it’s not your fault, why do you say ‘sorry’ ?
Andrej pulled the trophy back, as though he wanted to get more momentum behind before he struck Cozmer.
“Because I know you loved it,” Cozmer said, voice soft with a bit of terrified vibrato.
Andrej took a step back. He lowered the trophy, but just to block Cozmer’s possible exit to Andrej’s right.
He did love it. He was the Macedonian voice of dozens of classic American sitcoms and cartoons. The Jetsons was his favorite, where he was all the male cast members, George, Elroy, Mr. Spacely.
International Media Services dubbed American TV in all the applicable Eastern European languages.
They had just gotten the Seinfeld contract, and Andrej was going to be Jerry. Jerry!
When Cozmer called him in he thought for sure that Jovan had washed out on Kramer and he was going to pick up that voice too. He had been doing his best Macedonian Kramer in the drive over to the studios.
Then Cozmer told him it was over. Finished. No Seinfeld.He was being dropped.
He picked up the trophy and smashed it on the desk.
Now he had his boss trapped in a corner.
“You weasel breath, Green Acres was Number 1 in North Macedonia because of who? Me. Nowhere on the planet do you find a better Macedonian Mr. Haney, no better Oliver!”
He raised the broken trophy again, and Cozmer could swear his arm was on the way down.
“Google!” Cozmer yelped.
Andrej almost dropped the trophy.
“Google what, livestock? I will Google nothing. You will not terminate me!”
You…you’re not…terminated, Andrej. All the new shows are going to Google Translation AI. The syndicator made a deal, not me!”
“A robot cannot be Jerry Seinfeld, Cozmer. I…”
Andrej paused for dramatic effect. “I, and only I, am the Macedonian Jerry Seinfeld.”
“In my heart , that’s true,” Cozmer said, and he meant it. “But it’s not my call. I will get you all the work I can, but it won’t be much. PSAs, CPR tutorials. Please put down the trophy and talk to me.”
“No,” Andrej said. “You will pay for casting me off for robots.”
Andrej lifted the trophy again.
“I…” Cozmer said slowly, softly, “I have a line on some in person diplomatic work, corporate visa stuff in DC and….”
“I do not want dip-dip-diplomatic work! “ Andre raged, “I want Big Bang Theory, Season One! I want How I Met You Motherfucker!”
Cozmer’s right eyelid lifted.
“Andrej, may…may I ask you a question?”
Andrej curled his lower lip. “What?”
“You are a religious man, are you not?”
“I believe to God after years of great work you are fucking me right now, Cozmer, but that is all I believe.”
“I’m…I’m sorry Andrej, I thought you were a man of deep faith.”
Andrej scowled.
“No, Cozmer, you are confusing me with Moldovan Andrei, Orthodox Bible thumpy man that he is. Damn good Moldovan Mr. Cunningham and Fonzie, I gotta say, but no, we are nothing alike.”
Cozmer smiled.
“My mistake, Andrej. I just picked up the whole Caballero catalog. Would you like to voice it?”
“I never heard of Caballero. What network?”
“Adult film, Andrej.”
“Adult film, what…Porn? You mean porn film?
Cozmer swallowed.
“Two fifty an hour, four hour max. A grand a day to dub ‘Oh Baby Harder’ in Macedonian.”
Andrej put the broken trophy down on the broken desk.
“Your desk wishes you would have made that offer first, Cozmer.”
“I’m sorry Andrej, I really thought you were religious.”
“Nah, man. I don’t believe in gods. And I don’t believe in robots.”
***
Loved the rage from Andrej - I also appreciated his professionalism. I'm programming the database which will replace me.
shit's about to get weird... quick. The output of the coming AI/GPT should be consumed as fiction and art; however, these systems will become integrated and irresistibly convincing very quick.
Here's to keeping it analog [for now]👍
Love it. Very timely considering what’s going on in the Voiceover industry, and dubbing is low hanging fruit. Although porn would probably go before Seinfeld (comedy is way more subtle).